20:55
Okay… The past few days my kidneys have been really at me. Pain along with fever like symptoms. Along with it, particularly at night, is this really really distressing pain in my gums. Mainly my top front. Burning kind of sensation. Inflamed. All these symptoms are accompanied with a scary feeling… anxiety. The pain all translates into a sort of mania if I move around, naturally, since my bodies in so much distress, so I try to just lie down and body scan. Deep rest is the only thing that seems to help, and the suffering tends to force me into this state where I repeat stuff like “I surrender totally. I surrender. I give up. Help” and with this I feel a sensation of spaciousness, and I feel like I’m surrendering all the attachments I have. All goals and desires and so forth. This brings me into a state of grace, which feels holy, and has a healing and easing influence. I often fall asleep thanks to it.
This has been life for so long now, and all of 2025 has been pretty horrific. Varying degrees of suffering, often quite extreme. From February to about July I was having suicidal thoughts very consistently.
I would very much like to heal.
Fuck all this suffering.
Doctors are proving useless.
I feel my only hope is going all in with meditation.
I’m going to attempt that. Fully. Completely. Starting right fucking now.
I will keep you informed here.