12:50
Felt scattered last. Couldn’t tune into bliss before sleep and fell asleep feeling off. Had a weird nights sleep, unsettled with lots of dreams. Woke up feeling tired. Side hurt again while showering. Thoughts have gotten progressively more unpleasant as the day has gone on and I feel very tired. To reset this situation I’m going to turn off all tech and lie in bed until I can sleep OR feel total bliss. Will report back.
18:45
I didn’t lie in bed straight away. I lay down but then my earbuds arrived so I tried them out and listened to music which wasn’t wise while scattered and tired. I then caught myself, and lay down in bed with no tech. I lay eyes closed, and it was restful, but I didnt sleep. I took off my eyemask and checked the time, it was 3:38. I then got up, and ate dinner. While eating I watched Sneako.
Outside the sitting room window I could see the sky looked amazing. I then went for a walk. While watching the sky, I felt this feeling of frustration and of missing out. My state of consciousness was tired and scattered so I wasn’t able to have a deep experience observing the beauty of the sky. I had this feeling that in the right timeline, where I made the right decisions, like would have arranged it so I was in the perfect place the view this sunset, and I would be an optimal state of consciousness for it.
A quote by Rudolf Steiner comes to mind;
“On the same journey, one man sees nothing but the outer world, while another experiences a spiritual world unfolding behind it. The difference lies not in the path, but in the consciousness of the traveler.”
There are things life has lined up for us, and we are meant to keep ourselves ready for them. If we dont, and why try be in control, and choose when we should be having experiences, never settling into stillness and allowing our nervous systems to become fresh and vital, then we never are ready for the divine guests, for the surprise events. It’s like, we aren’t allowed the schedule of our life, we need to leave it in life’s hands, but we must live as if the most important day or moment of our lives is right around the corner. If you have a wedding day coming up, you will try and make sure you sleep decently around that time, you aren’t hungover, etc. so that you can enjoy the day. Treat every day like that, as if it might be your wedding. Treat the unknown with respect. A divine guest could arrive at any time. You could meet your soul mate tomorrow, someone who, in your ideal timeline, you would spend the rest of your life with, but if you don’t prioritise keeping yourself fresh, vital, alive and connected to God, then when you run into them, you might be scattered, tired, and irritable. You might not even notice them!
Luke 12:36-37 (NIV)
“Be like servants who are waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes.”
Luke 12:42 (NIV)
“The Lord answered, ‘Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time?’”
So I watched this sunset rather sadly. With a strange sense of longing. I felt a stronger feeling of resolve then. A feeling of commitment to yoga. I want to experience beauty and holiness daily. I know when I prioritise God and maintain my connection to presence, life unfolds perfectly, as if divinely orchestrated, in the way it does on an LSD trip. Synchronicities greet me. I feel accompanied by angels. Rewarding experiences are in abundance and I feel awe and wonder and love and satisfaction. I like these things. These await anyone who learns to live right. To stay in alignment.
One more note about the sunset. I didn’t have my camera with me, just my phone. The phone wasn’t capturing the colours well. It was okay, just not great. I remember thinking that this was symbolic. I couldn’t capture good footage of the event because I hadn’t the right tool with me, the lens, the camera, it was insufficient. It was the same with my consciousness. I was aware I was too tired and scattered to truly appreciate the beauty of it. I wasn’t able to feel awe or be deeply moved, because I was too tired and scattered, my mind too restless and agitated. The phones camera and my bodies mind weren’t capable of ‘capturing’ the experience beautifully.
After the walk, I seen my friend Jamie had messaged. He said to meet at the pub at 8pm. This was another example of how living stupidly was at risk of ruining a potentially joyful experience. I’m tired and off. Bad night sleep last night, restlessness from the tiredness preventing rest and rejuvenation today, etc… so right after reading his message I did a 45min meditation. It was amazing and I feel really inspired to finally stop avoiding Joe Dispenza’s meditations.
I feel much better but still tired, so from now (19:00) until 8 will bodyscan in bed.
23:08
Enjoyed going out. Realised how much love I have for Jamie and Ben. Good guys. Hope one day my health is better and things conspire in a way that allows us to make more great shared memories.
Something about the night made me long more than ever to make creating art into an output. I realised how futile language is, and how much I have to say and share. Humans all have an instinctive longing to share the experiences they have had that shaped them and impacted them most. If you are abducted by a ufo, you will want to share it, but will realise sharing through words only gets you weird looks. You wont feel seen. You will have to keep it to yourself… I feel like that sometimes. Like I’ve been abducted by a UFO a few hundred times, have been taken to far off worlds, and simply can’t share it, but that through art I could sort of…
Terence McKenna used to say something like “The mystic is not someone who stays in the other world, but someone who comes back with a souvenir.” It feels like this. I need to bring back some souvenirs. Through art, I need to create art that I couldn’t have made if I didn’t see impossible things. We long to be seen and understand, but our identity is shaped by what we saw, so when you explore places outside of where people tend to go, they can’t relate, they don’t have the shared language, the shared symbols, the shared experience… but art is like a universal language. It’s feeling. It’s transcendent. Through art I can express myself in a way that language doesn’t permit, and then perhaps I will feel more understood….
There is also a feeling of heaviness that comes with having seen so much you struggle to talk about. A weird feeling of responsibility or something. Like, why was I shown all this? Surely I must somehow use it, use it in a way that positively influences others maybe? I’m not sure. There is a weight that comes with an abundance of profound experiences that imparted knowledge you haven’t shared, and don’t know how to share.
Some quotes from the opening of Friedrich Nietzsche’s ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ comes to mind;
“Lo! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that hath gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it“
“Behold! This cup wants to be empty again, and Zarathustra wants to be man again“