20:05
Today I woke up really tired. I struggled to fall asleep from the Guinness and stimulation of the bar which I’m not used to. Buying Kanye tickets was quite stressful and took hours due to the queue and glitching on the evil www.ticketmaster.it website. When they were finally bought I had a mini breakdown, which led me to doing loads of pushups and squats and pullups, which led me to really enjoy music because of the endorphins. I then had some fun freestyling. I realised I was super tired and overstimulated at this point so I napped for an hour or more. I woke up and then did TWIM, and I repeated “I surrender totally to God”. Then I did Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya, went for a walk which was pleasant (I stood super upright on the walk, my back felt good and electric, possibly from the yoga I did with SM kyria). When I got home I ate soup and showered. That takes me up till now.
I need to find the balance between activity and non-activity. A forward leaning orientation is needed to some degree. I need to stop identifying all mind activity as mania. I need to be more life-affirming. I say this because in the breakdown I worked out, which was good for me, and then I freestyled, which was fun. I need to find the balance between the monk lifestyle and the modern artist lifestyle, because I want to stay connected to source, I want to keep my consciousness good, and I dont want to get scattered and lost in distractions, compulsiveness and consumption cycles, but I also don’t want to be stagnant and stuck, I want to be creative prolific. I want to express myself.
I realised to make progress with both music and video I simply need to do it a lot. I need to get rid of the perfectionism issues, the feeling that I need to be super ready and prepared so I make the perfect song first try, and instead I need to maintain an energy of detachment, so that I can just do it without heavy emotions clouding me. I need to just make song after song after song without overthinking it. This is the key. The same is true with video. Progress comes from repetition. You get better by trying, not by planning or studying or preparing. It’s by trying again and again and again that you get incrementally better. This seems obvious when said aloud but I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind.