11:30
AHHHHHHHH
Yesterday evening around 8pm I noticed my right side hurt a little. The sorta pain when you have a cut, but it was inside my right kidney area. Bad sign. I went to bed at 10pm and when I lay down I noticed the cloudy feeling in my mind that accompanies when the side is bad. Then the swelling began, and the anxiety, the fever type feelings, and the pain in my gums. I had a difficult time falling asleep feeling this bad. I woke up feeling a little better than the night but very delicate. Definitely didnt feel like I had a deep sleep and my side felt weird. According to my fitbit my hearts BPM reached 140+ at 4am. I don’t even remember being awake.
Upon awakening I did SM Kriya which went okay. Still felt delicate. I then went and ate breakfast, and while I was preparing and eating I realised my thoughts kept running on autopilot, on the subject of my ex. Having imagined argument with her etc… I observed this curiously. Realising I haven’t had these thoughts in quite some time. She hasn’t occupied my mind much at all. I wondered if the agitation in my body was causing me to think thoughts equal to that stressed state, and the most obvious ones would of course be arguments with an ex. I then thought about Joe Dispenza’s model. According to his model I could view the situation as… I had moved into a new timeline, a new Self, where my ex was no longer relevant, and my health issue was no longer present, but then I let myself fall down back into the old self, which I know I have over the past few days, and this brought me back into a self exists and where my ex is relevant.
In order to get my health back in order, and to stop my automatic thoughts being stressful and related to the ex, I need to enter the ‘quantum field’ again and visualise the new life I’m excited about.
To discuss the fall… I seen step by step how I descended. It’s funny, when you fall from grace, it feels like freedom, because you can act without care for your body, without care for God, so you can move more and it feels like you can get done more faster, it feels like you are at the wheel and you can kinda force your way into the desired future. It feels like the right way of living because living that way releases more dopamine and stimulates more which feels good, so we misintepret the high as being a signal that we’re doing it right… but the fact that it leads to crashouts and ultimately misery and disconnected from the higher self is proof that way of living isn’t ideal. It isnt the right path.
We must do it the other way. Staying connected to presence and God, moving patiently, trusting that we will progress. Prioritizing keeping the mind aligned with the ideal future and watching as we spontaneously do the actions that get us there. Slow and steady. Be the tortoise not the hare. The hare moves real fast, but has crash outs, has little melt downs, gets worse sleep, forgets their higher reason for what they’re doing. The tortoise at first glances seems to be real inefficient, moving real slow, but it’s actually much more productive. The bigger picture reveals this.
So although the loud fast you’re-at-the-wheel-making-it-happen state of consciousness feels like it’ll deliver you to your destination fast, it won’t. You might find yourself with more output, and you think the quality is high, but when you tune into God and presence you will observe the quality of your output in that state as low. You perceived it as high because you were basically intoxicated. Like beer-goggles, but instead of beer it’s ego, neurotic automatic thoughts unchecked, stimulating the brain, activating circuits constantly, trynna be the God of itself. Kanye makes gorgeous music when he’s in a devotional state. When he goes all manic and tries to be in charge his output is trash, but in that manic overstimulated state he can’t see that it’s trash.
So, I need to tune in again today. I need to journal a lot so I don’t fall back into unconsciousness. I need to remember that although it feels slow, the progress of the slow way is more productive long term. Have faith. Visualise. Keep tuning in. Have faith in God. See the value in staying energetically aligned with your desired future/self. When you fall to the ego state you start craving being in that future – which means you’re not in it! You’re in lack. You’re in craving and separation and it’s just lame. It leads to misery. Stay aligned energetically with the desired future and the desired Self. You know you are in this state because you are overcome with feelings of wholeness and gratitude. You no longer desire anything because you have everything because you see you are fundamentally everything, and everything is perfect. Tune in. Go beyond the illusion of lack and separation. Feeling is the key. Feel golden. Feel you’ve made it. Feel you’re whole. Feel all is perfect. Then reality externally shapes itself to fit that model. You don’t rearrange the elements of the external in order to make yourself feel a certain way inside. You organise yourself internally to feel totally whole and at one with ‘source’, and then the external becomes a reflection of that internal state. That’s the quantum model, not the newtonian model. Energy changes energy. Don’t be matter trying to change matter. The universe is mind.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:33
13:45
I went on a walk and experienced grace. I enjoyed watching an ep of how i met your mother with angelika. I pet bruce in the garden. Then I just did a 45min meditation (blessing of the energy centres). Despite a good deal of mind wandering, I had a really healing experience, especially when it hit the throat, and then the head and above the head. I experienced very high grace, feeling of unity with God, a feeling of total unconditional wholeness, a deep gratitude for life an and love for love, a love for life. I felt no desire. I felt one with everything. I realised in this state how foolish it is to try engage with the 3D while in a lower egoic state of consciousness. You have access to like 10percent of your intelligence only. Living in constant connection and cooperation with divinity is the key.
I’m going to lie in bed now and try enter a jhana using twim. Jhana – state of effortless concentration where there is no mind wandering and the mind and body feel bliss. Twim – metta meditation.
16:46
Dad showed up randomly right before I was gonna nap. When my body hurts my mind is more irritable and I watched the dialogue go “god damn why is his timing so awful. Why does he never announce his arrival? Why does he always move according to his specific preference with zero consideration for anyone elses. It’s so arrogant. Like no one else gets to choose when theyre alone or not, but you get total freedom to decide exactly when suits you.” etc.etc.etc. … I was really happy to see I went into the witness perspective, and then intentionally had the thought “bit late to be expecting him to change now. Old dog new tricks. Let go of the irritation, stop resisting what is, go be kind and talk and then nap”. So I did that. I let go of the anger and resistance within like 30 seconds of the first thought arising. After he left I did twim/tried to nap for 40minutes. Usually when I try that sincerely I get into the bliss state real quick. This time I couldnt conjure that feeling of warm bliss. My body felt cold. Typical when the side is swelling and causing problems. I then decided to cook dinner, so I ate and washed up. I’m going to try tune into bliss again. While cooking I listened to Joe Dispenza. I want to make sure not to fall back into the habit of listening to stuff while cooking/eating/cleaning. It’s disorientating for the monkey and increases stress. It’s better to just be focused on what you are doing. I also noticed recently that I am quite attached to the phone again. As in, it’s starting to feel like an extension of my nervous system. Just a minute ago I went on it and opened instagram automatically. I don’t like that. I have powered off the phone and will keep it away until after Christmas. I have repeated this experiment many times and found that the phone just isn’t conducive to living well. Having the computer as my only form of tech that I use is much more optimal because it is limited to one location, and I have to sit upright to use it. This promotes intentionality. It means tech exists in one location too, so it doesn’t become an extension of my nervous system. Phones are super tricky. Phones plus airpods/earbuds are even worse. It means your even more seamlessly connected to the internet wherever you move… brushing teeth, cooking, walking, lying in bed. Then you fall into the path of least resistance which is perpetually stimulating yourself with ‘content’. I don’t want to get rid of my earbuds because I can see situations where it makes sense to use them but I definitely don’t want to fall back into that lower state where I would have them connected to my phone and listen to podcasts or music all the time. I’m really considering getting an mp3 player to put my music and guided meditations onto.
20:30
Napped. Woke up and did Skriya. Went on TWIM walk. Ate dinner. Side feeling very delicate so taking it easy.
22:15
Finished season 25 of survivor. Was only an okay season. Not great. Heard my uncle’s back is really bad and he’s kinda stuck lying down in a lot of pain. Not sure what’s causing it. Muscular, not the spine apparently. Made me realise the importance of fully integrating and practicing ‘the work’. I really need to become an expert on Joe Dispenza’s method… or rather, yoga, which Joe is the leading expert on explaining and guiding to modern audiences. If I went all in with it, I could heal my body, manifest my desired reality, and be of service by teaching and spreading the work, guiding others through it. If I had completed the work, and healed myself using it, I could go over to Steve and convince him its worth the time and effort and guide him through it. I simply can’t do that because I haven’t done it yet myself. That really upsets me. It moves me. I want to be able to help. I should feel this much compassion for myself, I should be moved by my own suffering, but it seems to hit different when I realise other peoples suffering could be removed if I behaved differently. What happens if a parent gets a diagnosis? What if someone close and dear to me dies, and then I’m left wondering if they could have survived if I had gone all in on the work, healed myself using it, and become competent and confident at teaching it to others and guiding them through it. That sounds like a nightmare. I don’t want to ever live with that what-if.
Therefore I really need to stop allowing my attention to become scattered and instead keep my mind focused on what matters.
The other things will wait. They will be there. Stop trying to pursue them before completing the most important thing. Learning, embodying, mastering the process of transformation, the process of yoga and meditation, the process of living in alignment with the source of creation. This is what Joe Dispenza teaches really well. So spend your time learning the theory and doing the meditations. Do it loads. This is the signal. Stayed tuned into the signal and ignore the noise. All the distracting but seducing side quests will be even more satisfying and enjoyable after having completed that process.
Complete the process of transformation and healing. Stay focused on this task.