19:49
I woke at 11am which is later than usual, went to the bathroom, and then spit out a good bit of blood, like three big bits, which I don’t recall ever happening before. Bit concerning. No idea what caused it. Couldn’t see it coming from a gum. No nose bleed. Felt really rough too. Irritable, tired, confused, pain in stomach. I eventually gave up being awake and napped at like 3pm. When I woke up an hour or so later I felt a good bit better than before, but not great. Still feeling quite off now. My health is such a constant nightmare. I wish I could just commit to the meditation / Joe Dispenza’s work instead of continually getting distracted and tangled up in my environment and self again. I wish I was wealthy enough to go to an advanced retreat, or even to afford a place to live alone for a while. I really hope I’m free from the constant pain and fatigue soon. There’s a lot I’d like to do with life. Simply being alive in a body that’s not difficult to be in would be sufficient though. I believe completely that the stories of yogis doing impossible things are real. I think the mind can achieve impossible things. I think commitment to the process is all that I’m lacking. I hope it arises soon, and not from terrible news or a grim diagnosis. I hope the pain of lost potential, of lost love, fading dreams, and wasted years will be enough to push me beyond. I want to be healthy, vital, focused, and full of life. I want to love life. I want to be creatively productive and fulfilled. I will tune into that frequency now and rest.
I’m going to completely heal my body, free myself from the old self / ego, and live an intentional life that is of my creation. I will find joy and abundance in each day. My dreams and desires will come into reality effortlessly. I will not spend a second distracted in empty entertainment. I will be with God.
I think being alone is key. Monkey see monkey do. Vibes are infectious. The tick of clocks sync up. I don’t want to fall back into viewing other people as ‘poisonous’, but I definitely feel intuitively that my relationship with food has become less healthy, and my relationship to rest also, as a result of certain company. I understand why yogis end up in caves alone when attempting to undergo this process. I’m not sure what the solution is, but maybe I could try spend more time outdoors. That might make sense, and would be good for several reasons. I could still read and meditate outdoors. I wish I lived in basically any other country though.