today started great. I felt good energy. I didn’t get out of bed until I felt love by doing twim. Then I did SKriya. Walked. Did a good bit of exercise. Ate. Then walked with mom, brother, nephew and niece down the pier which was nice. I think I should have stopped there and had a nap. Instead I took the car and dropped L from town to ballygriffen. Then seen D hitching so dropped him out bonane way. Encountering both of them while tired tired and upset me more. It made me go down the same old spiral of pain which is basically this feeling of unbearable compassion for others. I wish no one, including myself, suffered. There is way too much suffering. Addiction. Mental illness. Why the fuck… Like why. It’s insanity. For what purpose must God multiply, forget himself, and then go through excruciating agony. If the end goal is union with God again…. Why split up anyway? Why fragment. What’s going on… Why must people suffer so much and what can I do to heal myself and be of help to others.
i attempted to rest when home from that drive but I couldn’t very well. I should’ve stuck with trying to sleep. As the evening progressed. My side started swelling more and more. Now I’m in that state where I’m perpetually thirsty, my side hurts, my temperature fluctuates, my gums feel weird/hurts. … This isn’t one of the usual symptoms but my throat hurts too. I guess cause the cold is still lingering.
In short, today I lost touch with restfulness. Tomorrow I will be more careful. I will make sure I feel safety and comfort. I will have a good day. I will be restful and loving with myself.
i know when I’m healed, I will be able to see the world without it breaking my heart. My inability to bare the suffering of others is a result of missing the necessary boundaries of ego. Once I’ve regrown a healthy ego I will be securely situated in the kingdom of heaven. I will be able to love deeply without it hurting me.
some people to avoid feeling pain for others try believe that it’s their fault they’re suffering. They caused it for themselves. This puts distance between you and their suffering. It must be karma from a past life. It’s because they can’t get their act together. They do it to themselves. They’re their worst enemy. Etc… placing distance. Placing blame. I want to be able to have compassion and love and face people’s suffering without it causing me suffering. Without it forcing me to feel annoyed at the person suffering. Without it making my heart hurt. I want to live in that state that neem karoli baba was in. That all the masters are in. Where life looks perfect as is. Unable to be anything other than perfect.
tomorrow I will be restful. I will meditate. I will move lightly. I will rest when needed. I will do pomodoros while editing and writing.