18:44
Last night was rough. Really rough. Side was really sore. Bad pains and a feeling of fever and confusion. My thoughts gravitated to dark places so I had to exert energy to anchor awareness on a loving mantra, which helped. Eventually I fell asleep. I woke in the middle of the night at some point, to my dad playing guitar in the sitting room. I did a mantra and went back to sleep. I woke again at 6/7, felt a good kind of clarity and did maybe an hour of TWIM. It wen’t really well. I eventually fell back asleep until 11.30am. I woke quite dazed at that point, but relatively free from symptoms. I did Skriya. That horrible pain in my gums was there again last night too. Sharp pain. Good bit of bleeding when flossing today then. I hate that. So anxiety inducing. My body just feels so cooked.
OH! When I woke at like 6 and did TWIM i remember having my teen years flash before my eyes and receiving insights about how much trauma i have in my body, from how much of life’s ugliness I witnessed. Realised how much trauma needs to be released. I then remembered this isn’t the first time this happened when waking earlier. Then concluded it would be in my best interests to wake earlier to meditate. I think the subconscious is more accessible and impressionable, easy to edit, at these hours. Well, I don’t think, the yogic sciences says so. Dispenza says so. I must wake earlier to do my meditations. I will set that as an intention.
Sisters came in briefly. It was nice seeing them but made me slightly sad because it reminded me that they’ve become strangers in a way, as so many people who were in my life have done. It also made me motivated to heal. I’d like to have a functioning body and mind. I would like to re-meet the people that used to play bigger roles in my life. I just want the energy to be able to enjoy moments, because enjoying moments together is bonding, which is wholesome. I enjoy meditation related bliss, but most of external reality just hurts, literally. Perpetually overstimulated. Anything but rest aggravates the discomfort. Fuck that. I love exploring the internal world and I wouldnt have done it so much without having other options closed off to me, but I can’t wait until I have good health again, so I can enjoy the fruits that life has to offer externally.
23:04
went on walk looking at stars listening to type beats. I really really really want the health and vitality needed to freestyle again. Key part of healing is getting excited about the new life you’ll step into. I need to keep working with God like a teammate. Like I’m Katniss in the hunger games, and I have Haymitch as an ally that I can’t directly speak to but is always watching and wants me to win and can give me gifts and signs. Just remember they exist.