13:55
Last night I did TWIM fully from 11 till about 2.30/3. So about 3.5 hours. This morning I woke, went for a walk, did the dishes, then sat to do SKriya. Skriya went well then after I did blessing of the energy centres straight away. That went really well. I felt the presence of the loving blue beings last night, and then again during Dispenza. Last night it felt like they were telling me your only job is to get to our frequency then we can do the rest. They can heal me then. During the BOTEC I was really focused on the chakras and on the feeling of love, coherence, balance, wholeness. I’m writing this right after that finishing those meditations.
I’m faced with the same state that I always end up in when I go all in with meditation. I dont know what to do next. When I’m in default egoic consciousness, the past decides my decisions. I act compulsively. Automatically. My body and mind just sort of run on autopilot. When I’m in this state of pure presence, it’s different. Each decision must be made with intention.
I realise it is discomfort with this that often causes me to run back down to a lower frequency. It is slightly unnerving to be totally in charge of what to do next. It’s like on LSD. You’re outside of patterns. Outside of habits. Outside of ego. Outside of psychological time. Outside of the hallucination of time that is generated by the perpetual thinking and feeling loops.
It is very freeing though. To be in this state. To be outside of all that stuff. I just need to become comfortable with it, and learn how to decide what to do next.
What does that guy Bashar say? He says that we should view our potential options of what to do next, and then move towards whatever one excites us the most. What ever one evokes the most passion. Stay with that until the energy dies out, and then move towards what makes the most sense next. So let intuition guide you. Let emotion guide you. Don’t decide based on reason or logic. Keep your heart open, stay rooted in presence, and then move towards what feels right… I’ll try.
22:20
After this I ate lentil soup as my first meal at 3pm. I then rested productively which felt really good. I compiled all footage for the first week. I went for a walk, listened to instrumentals, and then watched Bruce Almighty with niece & mom. Enjoyed the movie, though the end did make me a bit sad in regards to heartbreak pain. I will get into bed now and read. I will then do metta meditation into sleep.
23:37
when I got into bed my side started swelling. I feel pain and I’m subconsciously tensing and clenching my teeth. The pain is making my mind agitated. Im having concerned thoughts, thinking what long-term damage a year of this pain could be causing my kidney. I’m feeling frustrated that the healthcare system here is so awful. I’m feeling frustrated at myself that I haven’t gone all in with meditation. If I at least did it for a month or two and I didn’t heal I could say it didn’t work and feel more driven to maybe pay money and go to a different country for healthcare. I don’t know.
whats stopping me from doing nothing but meditations? That’s what the people who heal do. That’s what the people who go to the retreats do. They sometimes do up to 5 hours of meditation per day. I have all the knowledge and theory an resources needed. What am I doing? GO ALL IN YOU FOOL! LIFE IS WAITING. THIS IS YOUR INITIATION. JUST FUCKING DO IT. JUST DO IT. STOP FEARING THE UNKNOWN. KEEP WALKING INTO GOD. KEEP WALKING INTO GOD.
tomorrow I will do twim, into SKriya, into BOTEC, into tuning in. I will listen to Joe speak. I will continually stay in that bliss state. I won’t leave the electricity. I will stay in that place. I don’t care. I will stay there no matter what.
00:06
just did before sleep Dispenza 23min meditation. Huge energy in the spine. Surge of electricity. Feeling of inspiration and certainty that I can be the creator and heal. My body will heal very very soon. I will anticipate and expect and plan for healing. Expect it.