awful health beginning of day. Driving was terrifying in that much pain.
eased up throughout the day despite overeating a bunch
i hope it isn’t too bad again tonight like last night… The pain that is. In my gums and my kidneys. Weird two things to happen simultaneously but that’s how its been lately
watched the last hour of Avatar tonight
Amazing ending. Dope movie.
the elevated dopamine from the food and sugar and movie and general stimulation has me thinking different and I can’t tell if it’s wrong or right
like when I’m living the zen way and my minds super understimulated I desire less
im so reasonable and careful or something idk
but im also less imaginative I think, in a way, or at least it seems like that
when I’m like this I almost feel manic but it also feels more free and I feel like more capable of going into my desired Future and it kind of feels like I know who I am and I know what I want and I’m ready to make the expenses. Like I’m ready to pull the trigger. I’m ready to shake things up. And in this state it feels like I’ve just been living very monotonously previously. Like right now I’m confused as to why I haven’t bought a guitar stand and why it’s sitting behind the bed and why I haven’t bothered standing desk and why I haven’t decked out my room in a way to make it make sense for who I was. Like don’t I want making music to be a hobby? Why am I not prioritizing that in the slightest? Is because I’m in too much pain all the time and I’m just too tired? So logically it makes sense to spend all my time meditating. So logically it makes sense to spend all my time. Meditating? But don’t people heal when they change their lives externally as well?…. Isn’t that part of Joe dispen’s work? Isn’t that a part of spontaneous remissions? moving towards one dream life… Idk. I’m confused about who I am. What I want. What I should be doing with my time. So often I’m so sick that I can’t do anything with my time but meditate so I guess in that state the only logical thing to do is to spend whatever energy I get to act to meditate more to try cultivate enough energy to heal.
i dunno
i dunno who I am
i feel like I’ve made so many promises to so many different parts of myself
now I have so many obligations and so many unclosed loops
so many promises waiting to be fulfilled
What do I do. Who am I…. Where will I even be living if I heal? Do I go back to the Netherlands? Do I stay in Ireland if my parent(s) are gonna keep aging and die soon.
what I know for sure is….
I desire to heal. I desire to be free from compulsiveness, unconsciousness, karma. I want free will. I want free will to do what I want to do. What I want to die seems to be several things. I want to create art. I want to express myself coherently and capture it so it can be observed by others. I want to create stuff. Also, I want to help heal. I want to teach/spread meditation. I want to create and evolve. I want to heal and spread love and wholeness.
how does my ideal future look then?
if I could literally just script my life like a writer writing a movie…
How would it go…
What’s the best outcome for Aaron. Aaron overcomes his addictive compulsiveness by going all in on meditation. He devotes himself totally to love and goodness. By doing this his countless mental wounds get healed and his being becomes whole again, ego aligned with spirit. Traumas released. Mentally he now feels consistently as free as he does on LSD or shrooms. His physically illness is gone too. He doesn’t suffer from the constant pain, fatigue, and overstimulation. He is sane and healthy and well. As a result of this, he is connected to the source of creativity. The godmind. His monkey plays, as it used to. He freestyles, as he used to. Only now he has the focus and competence needed to capture it, so the freestyles become songs, which collect into things called albums, which people listen to, experiencing joy, beauty, and the other healing feelings that come with feeling art made from spirit, authentic art. Aaron is full of ideas and full of vitality and life. He is so eager to share how he got from hell to heaven. He rants and has gotten good with the camera and davinci resolve so he creates these compelling videos with great improvised scripts, interspersed with cool footage he takes. The ideas turn from good rants to cinematic little movies. Packaged in a way that makes them more appealing for consumption, more entertaining, so they spread. Aaron heals. Aaron feels great. Aaron acquires free will. Aaron creates cool art. Aaron sings the praises of meditation. Aaron uses his gift at sales to sell yoga. To sell the path. By healing and making great art he becomes a testament to the power of meditation.
this would be cool as fuck
i would like that
most of all I’d just like to be free from pain
but I’ve wanted music and video since I was like 8. When I obsessed over the jonas brothers and watched endless YouTube and got my first camcorder. I wanted to create back then too.
AI and world war 3 and the impending climate collapse and potential famines have made the idea of a safe path seem totally delusional. No career is safe. Nothing is safe. The future is a fucking wildcard. Fuck all reasonable paths. There’s no reasonable paths. Don’t let that type of thinking kill your spirit. Be rebellious. Keep that part of you alive. Rebel. Insist you create your reality. You do. You can script it how you wish. Don’t appease. Be bold. Love God. Live with God. Denounce all the nonsense. Go all in with what you love. Create lots. Keep creating.
dont let external perceptions of you define how you see you
Find your inner Kanye
fuck their views. They’re all half asleep anyways. And besides, you don’t know what they’re thinking, you’re defining yourself based partially of why you think others are thinking of you. Crazy. Crazy
you define you. You create you. You create your life. The future is yours.
If I healed and then got a normal job to have a normal life, after all id been through, that would be the most anticlimactic thing ever. It would be so sad. Fuck that. Your boats are burned man. You can go all in. It’s okay if it takes 5 years. It’s okay if it takes ages. If you just have faith in yourself and you keep going after it you will get it.
the thing that causes people to become enslaved… To be forced to spend their time doing what they don’t want to he doing, is limited funds. They need money to have food and shelter. Or worse yet, they couldn’t find their own meaning so they had kids and made it their problem like the majority of parents lmao… So. You have no kids. Close call that one time but definitely no kids. I have no mortgage. My parents don’t need me to become rich to save them financially. I don’t want a family and a normal life. Most jobs wouldn’t allow me to buy a house anyway. I am a free agent. Super free. Especially with L gone. Jesus she was hard to give up despite knowing she had to go for so long. And I never even got the balls to dump her I just made her leave by subtly telling her she didn’t align with my priorities for ages. A better version of myself would’ve come to terms with my situation and sat down with her and said it to her. I was just in such denial really. I wanted to be able to want a normal life with her… As she wanted with me. Okay. Boats burnt. Fiancee gone. No kids. Totally overcame sexual desire finally. Took years but now I dont ever masturbait and can instantly transmute sexual energy into religious bliss. That’s handy. I never congratulated myself on that it just finally happened sorta seamlessly. Haven’t cum in 4 months. I know it’s not from health or depression too cause I know how that feels. The sexual energy is just gone then. It’s not transmuting.
so. I have escaped the pull of the householder life. I can now totally dedicate myself to liberation and evolution.
boats burned. No ties.
do I need money for shelter and food? All I need ultimately is shelter and food. My faith lets me believe finances will flow in abundance once I unlock my freewill and start creating and start being of some service to the world. That said, let’s assume that won’t happen. Can likely get disability if needed. Surely they’d think I’m retarded or skitzo. I’m probably both anyways. Id just have to show them this journal entry!
Sue’s house. Always welcome while she’s alive. When dead I’d always be welcome at Abe’s. Probably couldn’t live at Christine’s. But maybe if her and Ian and are old and need help with stuff. Maybe I should get put on Dad’s council house so if he dies I can live there… Hmmm…Sue’s until she dies, Abe’s, Christine’s. Thats pretty secure. I’m kind of gaurenteed shelter. Id love to be able to buy this house if the time ever came. Hope abundance comes my way.
shelter. Secure. Food? Yeah. Sure. Okay. So. Assuming I don’t die from the constant pain. Or kill myself if it gets unbearable, then my life physically is secure. So what the fuck are so afraid of? Go without hesitation towards your hearts longing. Create create create.
remember that rant to Elena. The first time ye got to chat. Man that girl made the air electric. I loved being near her. Yes! Remember that feeling. Remember that first rant ye had. The beauty of art. The beauty of music. Remember remember remember. Create. Create. Create.
aaron heals his body. Aaron builds his energy and vitality. Aaron gets ripped (we’ll throw that in there). Perfect posture. Creativity flows through him. He fulfils that longing that’s been alive for so long. He creates cool fucking art. Amazing. That is god. God is the feeling of electricity. Keep moving towards that. Follow your bliss kid. Heal. Visualise. Feel. Go that way.
stop associating energy as mania. Mania is good. Mania gets shit done. Art needs chaos. Just keep strengthening the daily rituals so you have the freedom to be manic without it being too destabilizing.