22:20
Last night I sorta binge ate but it didnt seem to lead to negative reprucussions today. I woke feeling okay. On the car ride to cork I felt zen and well. I did TWIM. Listened to music with dad. I did have quite intense pain for a few minutes in the car but that passed. I had a poke bowl. Came home and then weirdly enough didn’t need to crash/nap. I did the most strenuous workout that I’ve done since 2024, then rested, then had dinner. In the evening I watched a survivor and one Chosen. Usually one episode of something overstimulates me. The chosen was really beautiful. It was the episode in season one where Jesus heals the leper and then the cripple who comes through the roof. In the episode there was an interesting part where the rabbi was trying to explain to his student that God transcends the laws of the book, and we cannot contain God in a book. Christ gave a sermon on praying in private, not for show, which forced me to examine my youtube hobby. I want to make sure I stay totally authentic and genuine in my connection to God. It will too easily become something less than pure if I get my practice tangled up with my persona, with how I present myself. I need to stay totally authentic, and I need to learn to stay totally humble and open-hearted without the help of suffering. Love is all that matters. The routine that I’m establishing is valuable. The structure. It helps prevent me from falling… but I need to stay awake and aware and not let my practice become monotonous. I need to remember death, to remember suffering, to remember my love for others, and to remember God. Surrender, service, non-attachment, love, presence.
As much as I want my story to unfold in a way that involves me healing and attaining power that I can use to create cool art – this isn’t the way – art will likely be a part of it but it will be an expression of love, of fullness. It will be an offering. I can’t remain in lack and expect to receive that grace to create so I get validation externally. I need to die to love. To truth. To God. Be totally without needs. Then create from fullness. I can’t need or desire anything externally. I need to be as the Bhagavad Gita says… unaltered by praise or blame. I need to act without care for consequences, abiding totally outside of time, in total presence, free from attachment.
I keep getting tangled in thoughts and attachments. I keep getting tangled in objects… a line from the Bhagavad Gita comes to me;
“When you keep thinking about sense objects attachment comes. Attachment breeds desire, the lust of possession that burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgement, you can no longer learn from past mistakes. Lost is the power to choose between what is wise and what is unwise, and your life is utter waste. But when you move amidst the world of sense, free from attachment and aversion alike, there comes the peace in which all sorrows end, and you live in the wisdom of the self.”
(Bhagavad Gita, 2.62 – 2.65)
I keep losing sight of what matters.
I keep losing sight of what is true.
I keep losing sight of God and love.
When I am living in the truth, my awareness of life includes others. I see no distinction between them and myself. Their welfare is my welfare, and I desire my strengths and potential to manifest for the betterment of humanity as a whole. I wish to be of service. I want to love and include all. I feel like a mother to the world. In this state I understand Jesus better. I understand Neem Karoli Baba better. In this state I feel totally free. I feel detached. I feel like I’m on LSD. It’s blissful and full of grace.
I have known for quite some time that my main obstacle is that when I use meditation to heal myself and I cultivate energy I don’t keep doing the process, all the desires arise and I spend the cultivated energy trying to fight and claw my way into a reality where my intelligence and creativity has manifested so that I don’t feel myself to be wasted potential. So that I can get all the stuff in my head outside my head… and so that people understand me and can see me better. Basically desire arises, which then places me in a state of consciousness that includes lack, and then I become disconnected from source, and my motives arise from selfishness ultimately. I desire the fruit of actions. The gold only materializes when I act from fullness. I do this, and then I think, my God! If I could just do this lots more and capture it and then present it to the world they will know! They will see. It’s hard to describe.
The solution is to never forget what ultimately matters. To know all in this realm is fleeting and empty. To know the fundamental truths of reality – those regarding the impermanence and emptiness of form, the fleetingness of pleasure, the illusion that is the ego, and the truth of love and God.
Those who follow this path, resolving deep within themselves to seek me alone, attain singleness of purpose. For those who lack resolution, the decisions of life are many-branched and endless.
(Bhagavad Gita 2.41)
When I forget the essential truths I get lost in ego again and it becomes all about me. I forget other people. I desire power and status and I want my value to be recognised. I want to be loved by others externally. I want to create great art so people associate my ego, my form, with the great art, and therefore value me higher. I want to steal Gods beautiful creations, the gifts that God wanted to give me anyway, so that I can present the gifts to the world and claim them my own creations. This is all of course arising because I’m operating in a state of consciousness defined by lack. I’m stuck on the level of my biology and psychology designed for survival.
There are ignorant people who speak flowery words and take delight in the letter of the law, saying that there is nothing else. Their hearts are full of selfish desires, Arjuna. Their idea of heaven is their own enjoyment, and the aim of all their activities is pleasure and power. The fruit of their actions is continual rebirth. Those whose minds are swept away by the pursuit of pleasure and power are incapable of following the supreme goal and will not attain samadhi.
(Bhagavad Gita 2.42 – 2.44)
I need to love endlessly. I need to pull my senses from the world and never act in it out of compulsion. When my actions arise as a result of past actions I am living within karma. I am tangled up. When I am living in a way where my next action doesn’t arise from past actions, I am free. Whenever I meditate deeply, I realise I find it unnerving afterwards that I don’t know what to do. I find it weird. Unsettling. I need to just continue to sit with it. It’s okay that my actions next will surprise me. The unknown is safe. Just dissolve in love and faith and life will unfold like a good acid trip. Free yourself from the webs you’ve gotten tangled in. The immense suffering of 2025 freed you. Don’t undo that gift. Stay outside of time, outside of ego, outside of self.
Do a lot of TWIM.
Faith. Love. Surrender.
Repeat these words endlessly.