10:05
I woke super tired and realized my error yesterday in ignoring my bodies request for rest. The key is keeping awareness in the body and not letting the brain run the show always because it can ignore the preference of the body, and keeping to the bodies preference is superior because the brain loses power when the body isn’t functioning optimally. Tiredness is the enemy. You want to be fresh. The brain only keeps working good when the rest of the body is working good.
The habits im establishing are helping stop me from falling too far which is good, but I do need to further improve my ability to stay connected to source.
When I woke I had this feeling of longing to know what to do. To know who I am. The feeling was “I want to know who I am with certainty and I want to know what direction I’m supposed to expand into”. I remembered the last time I asked this sincerely for guidance the presence of an entity entered the room and literally commanded that I learn astral projection and that was like 7 years ago now and I haven’t done it. That’s silly. I’m going to stay focused on the prize today. I’m going to stay totally focused. I know what I want. I want to be in constant alignment with truth, with presence, with God.
23:53
today was a weird day.
I woke up really tired and felt off. Felt I needed sleep. I said I’d be awake for a few hours and then go back to sleep at around 1:00 so it didn’t mess up my sleep schedule but then I wasn’t able to nap and I was kind of feeling overstimulated all day, and I just kept stimulating myself. Mainly on the phone. I also had a lot of fun on ableton for the first time in a long time. So that’s good. Sometimes movement and momentum makes things happen. But now it’s almost midnight and I just spend the last hour scrolling through shorts on Instagram and I’m feeling worse than I felt in a good while mentally. It’s so f****** unnatural. I’m so happy that it’s not a regular thing that I do. I’m really worried for the rest of the world. The brain did not evolve for f****** shorts and reels. So, today I woke up and I was super tired. The tiredness broke me out of my patterns which was kind of nice but ultimately not. Progress happened slowly and it’s hard to notice but it is happening. It’s good to maintain Faith. It’s good to know that those boring decisions you make each day, each little task that you complete. They’re all bricks that you’re laying down. Building your temple. Earlier today when I was tired and I was on my phone. The feeling I kept having over and over again was I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I’m meant to be prioritizing. I don’t know what I’m meant to be focusing on. Everything feels kind of meaningless and I feel like I’ve been LED astray. I find it so hard to keep my mind completely on what matters by stray so easily, and then I start wanting certain things for the wrong reasons and then I become separate from wholeness and God. And then I’d start desiring validation and love from the world instead of myself and God instead of just knowing that everything is perfect and that I am perfect instead of living in that perfect Bliss, instead of knowing that I am one with everything instead of feeling that joy and that peace, instead of feeling like I am separate from the world in a really blissful Way, instead of knowing that I will die eventually, and that the only things that matter in life are whether or not we’re present right now and feeling love right now. I fall from that. I stop seeing the wisdom and caring for the monkeu and staying rested. I start desiring and I start craving. I start whipping the monkey. Making it act when it’s tired. Forcing it. Telling it that something is wrong with it. Telling it that something is wrong with the moment. Lack consciousness. Fuck that.