My energy has been quite scattered and confused today. I felt weird when I woke up. I slept on the floor which felt good posture wise but I woke up three times in the night from nightmares. Heartbreak pain related. Then during the day I just felt this constant grief. Longing to see/hear/touch ex. I showered and felt quite strange. I then delayed my morning routine in order to exercise and freestyle. I really enjoyed freestyling, it was therapeutic and went well, and I managed to nap which was good, but I think waking later than usual and skipping the morning practice and everything just led me to feeling overwhelmed and scatterd. Im not sure. The evening was characterised by more heartbreak pain and a feeling of longing and confusion. I just really want to know what to be doing. I want to sink my teeth into one thing and not let go but I seem to just keep getting distracted by all the options. I want to practice guitar, learn vocal production, learn the midi keyboard. I want to read countless books. I want to learn so many things. I just need to be disciplined and stick with one thing and honestly the only thing I should be learning and mastering right now is ‘the work’ so I can heal my body and free myself from sleep consciousness so my actions in the 3D are expressions of that alignment with truth/love/wholeness instead of expressions of longing/lack.
There is this trap where not following the pre-set routine feels like freedom, but it ends up not leading to freedom, it leads to misery and bondage. The path to freedom feels at first like the opposite of freedom. There is a quote in the Bhagavad Gita about this.
18.37
“That which is like poison in the beginning but like nectar in the end —
that happiness is declared to be sattvic, born of the clarity of the Self.”