12:26
Last night I prayed and meditated a lot in bed because I really wanted guidance about where to go in life regarding the Netherlands and finishing Uni. I have to decide soon if I will start in sept again, which is scary because I would have to heal a lot by then to be capable of it, and I still have two kidney stones in me causing pain. Along with that I found out yesterday my ex wont graduate until summer of 2027! That sucked to find out. I thought it would be this summer or end of fall this year latest… So I prayed lots and almost astral projected last night! I then woke up this morning feeling pretty shit unfortunately. Possibly just dehydration (hopefully). Awful bug going around, hoping I dont get it.
The heart has still been on my mind a lot. I seen a new 1min vid Joe Dispenza uploaded yesterday specifically talking about how the heart is key.
16:38
Today is tripping me out. Belly sick, not helping. Lots of trippy thoughts. Darius J Wright was shown in the astral where he withheld love and where he couldve made a difference but didnt and it ‘brought him to his knees in pain’. It was a super accurate description of how that nightmare felt to me.
22:08
I ate wayyyy too much food. I ate an orange, half a banana, 4 pancakes. Honey, peanut butter, cream. Blueberries. Oatcookies. Rich tea biscuits. Ginger cookies. Crackers you have with cheese. Tonnes of granola. And all of this was after having dinner. I feel so bleh and I’m pissed at myself for falling into such unconsciousness. Tomorrow is lent. I’m honestly tempted to just not eat anything for like a week. I need to discipline my body. It is not in control. My body is a vehicle for my spirit to operate through. The automaticity and compulsiveness of my body is majorly disrupting my spirits ability to serve the purpose it came here for. This is extremely important to address. People keep telling to lay of asceticism but they’re all drowing in vices and stuck perpetually in sleep consciousness so I mustn’t listen to them. I want more free will. I dont want my body to run the show anymore at all.
I need to deepen my practice of loving kindness for myself to reduce the compulsiveness and agitation in the body. This helps majorly. Along with that I need to get myself into discomfort more. I need to make a ritual of getting into the sea regularly or even just sitting out in the cold more. Along with that I need to fast more.
Yoga. Yoga. Yoga.
I want all the yoga. I want to dissolve into yoga. I want total freedom. Total free will. Total free will.