11:26 (angry rant, weird mood)
I am super angry today. Screamed so loud in the car i lost my voice. Id be embarrassed to think it was just for the haircut ( got haircut yesterday and regretted ) but its not the haricut. Its the fact that so many people in my family continually talked down to me about my long hair and beard and criticised continaully. I’m angry that so many people are such assholes and feel the need to insult people about their appearance, and I’m mostly angry at myself for letting it get to me enough to get a haircut. This is a theme of my life. Other peoples input = dumb and leads astray. Intuition/God/Gut feeling = divine and leads where I wanna go. The more I listen to the gluttonous vice-riddled mindless egotistical little twats that make up the external world, the more I feel disconnected from God. The more I listen to the silence, the closer I feel to authenticity/truth/home.
I’m pissed off at them. Hell isn’t other people, but hell is most people. I’d never continually tell someone their appearance was wrong and needed changing. I liked the long hair and beard. I get I probably look cleaner or more well groomed now but I don’t feel myself. I don’t feel myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve felt uncomfortable with my appearance my entire life until I just let the hair and beard do what it wanted without interfering (last time I gave myself a buzzcut and shaved my beard I decided to just not touch it, then two years went by). Who would have known the way nature/God intended me to look is how I feel myself.
It’s partially regret over the haircut and mainly this rage with external reality and its inhabitants. They are the main barrier to enlightenment honestly. They all try seduce you into sleep consciousness. They all try and sell you their vices. They all want you to join them in the mental retardation that is default consciousness. Whenever you go your own way, they react with fear and disgust. They give continual negative feedback insisting you behave as they expect you to.
Kanye in his manic rants is coming to mind honestly. I get what he means how everyone wants you to be dead inside and it makes you forget who you are.
I want truth I want freedom I want total sovereignty and freedom from the opinions of the mindless lost souls who are always so eager to push their views onto you, to make you see as they see, despite the fact that their models of understanding haven’t served them in the slightest. Riddled with vices. They can’t sit with themselves. Their soul has no agency over the body. They have little free will. The compulsive actions of the body, results of conditioning, of wiring and past impressions, that is what decides their life and their decisions and they hallucinate, telling themselves they are free and they are making the decisions, but theyre falsely identifying themselves to be the body-mind.
They don’t even believe in God… because they don’t know God, because they don’t see God, because their state of consciousness is so low resolution they may as well be living in a cartoon.
It’s scary. Like being surrounded by fucking robots. You can predict what they’re going to say next because they’re just riding the waves of their perpetual thought/feeling cycles, deriving a false sense of security and safety from the familiarity of it, the predictability of it.
They all just want reality to be this predictable thing…
They want comfort and familiarity. They’re all constantly afraid because they fear death because they’re identified with the body-mind.
Anger is an ugly emotion. It isn’t optimal. But it can be used to propel action and make change. I will try capitalise on it today by doing lots of meditation. I want total freedom from ego so I wont be controlled by people anymore. I need total agency over my bodymind.
David Hawkins in Anger
- Anger is stronger than apathy and fear
- It contains energy and life-force
- It can be a stepping stone upward if handled consciously
He often said anger is better than depression because at least it has power.
Anger becomes destructive when:
- It’s projected outward as blame
- It’s justified and fed by ego narratives
- It turns into resentment
But anger can be useful when:
- It exposes falsehood
- It motivates change
- It breaks you out of passivity
So anger can actually be a sign of rising out of lower states, if it doesn’t crystallize into pride or hatred.