12:28
I feel good this morning. My heart feels open. I feel free. I feel like I’m not avoiding myself in any way. I’m not compartmentalizing myself. Putting difficult parts of myself into little metaphorical boxes under metaphorical beds where I can ignore them. Inclusive living. Holistic. Integrative. Complete. Acceptance. These words arise. Pain avoided is pain multiplied. Or worse, it leads to numbness. I would rather be alive.
Part of the mood being good this morning might also be the sun. Blue clear skies are better than medicine. So nice.
I also feel like I’m showing up for myself. I felt that fasting would make a difference, so I’m making the effort, and it does feel cleansing. I felt moving into different environments would help, so I’ve been making the effort to walk, and I’m heading out Sneem today too. Feels good to listen to your own intuition.
I’m also posting the last of L’s belongings. That feels liberating. I hope it lets me let go of us more. I can’t wait for that heartbreak/grief to be gone. It’s a heaven burden to bare.
22:15
sneem. Got sad and existential for a bit. Walked dad’s and enjoyed talking to him and playing a nylon string. Came back to Abe’s and had a lot of fun playing cod. Flow state. Joy. Forgetting yourself.