(comment to Bailey originally)
So I used to be really hung up on all of the desires I had and the potential future that I wanted. I really wanted greatness. I wanted to push all limits. I wanted to reach my idols and go beyond them.This was a really intense desire that completely dictated my entire mind and my life.
Numerous unfortunate events hit me. Years of chronic illness. Mental breakdowns. Kidney stone stuck in my urethra. Complications after it did damage. More kidney stones. I became completely and utterly finished with life. I was even researching end-of-life options.
I surrendered completely. I watched my personality die. I watched all of my dreams die. All of my attachment to all of my goals. I watched my future dissolve. I let go completely. I accepted this is the end. This caused all of the energy that I was pushing out of myself to come back to myself. All the energy that I was siphoning out of my body returned. I’d become completely tangled up in all the attachments that I had that all of my energy was leaving my body in every second. I was completely dictating what was okay and what wasn’t. I wasn’t just content with life as it was. I was insisting it needed to become something that it isn’t. I didn’t accept myself as I was.
During this sort of ego death experience I read The Power of Now and the Bhagavad Gita. Eckhart Tolle says that there is the primary purpose and the secondary purpose. The primary purpose is feeling completely present and whole and complete right now for no reason at all. Unconditional completeness. The secondary purpose is your outer purpose. It is what you do with your life. It happens automatically and spontaneously when the first purpose is aligned. Your only goal is to stay connected to wholeness. You need your actions to be expressions of wholeness. If they are expressions of lack you will suffer, you will deplete yourself continually. The Bhagavad Gita says to not get attached to the world of form. To always remember that you are the emptiness within which it arises. Don’t get attached to outcomes or results. Be completely engaged and present with the moment; when you’re doing work do it fully, but don’t care at all about the outcome.
Detachment is the key. Nothing matters. Truly. The only thing that you should be focusing on is staying blissful and whole in each moment. Nothing else matters. Take care of the monkey. Make the monkey feel safe. Make the monkey feel enough as it is. When the monkey is cared for well, it will play. It will act in the world. You need to parent yourself. Lovingly. Actions don’t matter. When you are abundant and blissful you will naturally express. You will create. You will play.
You can see in your head a version of yourself that is playing, that is playing well. You find it beautiful. You’re suffering now and in that imagined future you can see that you are happy so you crave it and try and brute force your way into that potential future by making yourself try and do the things that you imagine you would do as your best self. You’re trying to role-play as an abundant self while being a lacking, insecure, craving self.
Become abundant and whole and complete and detached, and then you will express and create as a natural expression of your health and wholeness. Seek first the kingdom of heaven and then all else will come to you.