I lost a bunch of good habits. Reading, writing, meditation, yoga. Been sleeping worse, consuming cannabis daily, alcohol more often than ideal, and have been stuck consuming lots of reels. It has made me a significantly dumber version of myself. It was more enjoyable and fulfilling being alive as a more awake and aware being. Cannabis, alcohol, screen time, junk food, poor sleep, these things make you less here. They dull your condition. They scatter you. They cause the nervous system to be less vital which means your Self manifests through it less powerfully. That is the major tragedy of addiction. You lose yourself. You lose your Self. You go offline. Only intermittently awake. Sleep walking. Stuck in pattern and vices, actions, thought patterns, attachments, fixations, rumination, fears, fantasies, stories, narratives. Music becomes toxic when you’re in that state. You can use it juice yourself of emotions by daydreaming while listening to it, turning something beautiful into a way to avoid surrender, love, the heart, the self. Refusing to stop interacting with the third dimension.
I miss reading. I miss being curious. I miss finding healthy activities that educate me fun and exciting. I miss being excited about evolving as a being. I miss being disciplined. I miss being in control of myself. I miss having sharp interesting thoughts while sober. I miss feeling capable and competent. I miss feeling like I was progressing in a meaningful direction. I miss believing I could create an ideal future.
I am a lower version of myself currently. Quitting weed feels like a major part of this. That is the main obstacle. Once that is gone, cultivating good habits and disciplines like writing, reading, meditation, and yoga will happen easier. I will sleep good again. I will eat healthy. I will be blissful again.
Bliss and joy are so much better than pleasure.