19.09
I got stoned and everything went very psychedelic instantly. The day had been intense anyway. Since getting to Spain. And for years before that sure. Its always strange. Dying to truth endlessly. Resisting the truth and trying to hide in delusions, but suffering. The suffering getting bad again, and then surrendering, and seeing truth.
Anyways, I smoke and get really stoned, and then I check my phone and I have this message from Sue. Her Google photos randomly made it.
this tripped me out. When I went home then the high was intensifying in its trippiness. I lie down and start having really profound insights into the nature of my suffering. the nature of reality. Of self/ego. I could see sanity and insanity. I could see truth and delusion. Self realization versus self destruction. Consciousness versus unconsciousness. Stillness versus compulsiveness. Intention versus autopilot.
i seen the path. The way out. Christ arrived in essence I guess. At least the thought of him shone like a bright mental light that woke me up. I then smiled and said I believe in myself I believe in Christ and felt a surge of love and bliss through the body. I felt playful suddenly. Completely light and carefree like a child. Giddy and joyful. It was immensely relief.
Sadhgurus energy came to me and I got lots of memories of his biography.
i remembered autobiography of a yogi
i want discipline and yoga. I want bliss
Oh I forgot to say.. when I had the epiphany earlier and had that feeling of relief with a surge of joyful energy, right at that moment my Fitbit did the celebrating symbol thing when you hit 10k steps, and I was in bed for a good while so it was just triggered by moving my arm suddenly upon having the realization, so it had to be at like 9,999 right before that. Idk probably doesn’t feel significant to read it,but it added to that feeling of magic