I’m really sorry I can’t help you, and I’m really sorry you’ve been had to go through so much and have so many mental difficulties now.
I’m always routing for you and praying for you to heal.
If I ever figure out how to save myself I’ll do my best to help you.
You have a good soul. Focus on the thought of unconditional pure love as much as you can. This world is full of distractions and temptations that only lead to misery. The way out seems to be love and detachment. Detachment leads to peace and freedom. Clinging/desire/craving lead to misery and cyclical destructive living. Detachment, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, love, surrender. These things deliver you to true sanity and wakefulness.
I believe this to be truth, from all I’ve read about enlightenment and healing, but Im still struggling to live in alignment with this truth. I hope one day to be proof that this path works and that you will then explore it too and find liberation from unnecessary suffering.