10:40
Last night was trippy. I had this interesting daydream which led me to have quite a powerful experience. I felt like I got a deeper insight into God and why devotional yoga works. I will write about this experience and post it HERE.
Then for a good while I had electricity flowing through my body. Typically when this electricity is flowing, I have control over the voltage, and can make it calm down or amplify, but this was one of the more rare times where I had zero input. I wanted to sleep and realised there wasn’t a hope so I just meditated and let it do it’s thing.
At some point during this experience I had a strange and seemingly mundane vision of a guy just looking at me, but he said something to me through his reaction, through his face or something, and it was only a quick moment, but the way it altered my consciousness was very trippy. It reminded me of this very powerful dream I had a year or two ago, when watching chimp empire… I was dreaming and there was a dialogue, people were talking, and I was sort of in a trance. Similar to how we think perpetually all day and fall into a trance listening to the internal monologue. In this dream it was like two people talking, and I was not very aware, but then someone said something like “wait he knows!” or, “wait he’s here!” or, “he’s awake” – I can’t remember fully, but the essence was alarm or shock from this talkers that I was fully here and awake as if I had been unconscious or something, and then in this moment (this all happened very suddenly) I made eye contact with a chimp and it was the most trippy experience ever. The dream during this whole moment became hyper vivid, I entered a hyper aware state of consciousness. Right when the eye contact happened with the chimp there was this blinding flash of light, and I remember this immense sensation. It’s impossible to describe but it’s like the entire universe dissolved in the blink of an eye. Like reality turned insight out. Like your face opened into infinity. There was a light and a sound with it and a feeling of total … I give up trying to describe it, but I remember when telling people this the next day I said “it was like I was suddenly on DMT or something!”… but basically, this little vision last night, where I made eye contact with this stranger, in that moment, that moment of recognition, it felt vaguely similar to that trippy dream, at least in the sense that the eye contact caused an increase of awareness.
…
This morning when I woke up I felt quite refreshed. I showered and then I did SM Kriya which went really well. I feel outside of time currently. Outside of automaticity. As if my actions currently aren’t the result of the past. Outside of habit. Outside of Self. In this state there is such a sense of freedom. If I could make this state permanent it would be fantastic. It just feels so superior to default consciousness, characterised by perpetual mind wandering, restlessness, and compulsiveness which causes consciousness to become dulled. If I could maintain this state it would be heaven on earth. It feels more sane. For your baseline to be ease, peace, contentment, stillness. Then actions arise from a better place. When your baseline, your foundation, is restlessness, unease, this silent constant humming low-level anxiety, then all actions are expressions of lack, or incoherence, of disharmony. Then we basically just spend the day running from our shadows. Clinging to the false sense of security that the familiarity of habitual living brings.
If I could maintain this state I feel I would be more than capable of manifesting all I’ve desired… Yet, I wouldn’t need them. They would come into my reality because I was living in fullness… but their addition wouldn’t fix anything, all is whole in this state… and if they left it wouldn’t take anything away. I guess this is what is meant by “seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you”…
Attain first the state of perfect wholeness, because that’s all that matters anyways. Then the things you have desired for the wrong reasons will no longer be desires, meaning they wont occupy any of your minds energy, any of your time, they wont cause the undesirable sensation of desire which feels like lack of thirst. The desires you had which arose from your soul, those desires will be fulfilled, because we didn’t come to earth to do nothing, nature gave you a plan, you are a blueprint. You naturally desire and feel passion for what you have been sent here for, and therefore when you are living in alignment with God, with truth, with reality, with your capital S Self, then naturally you start doing the things you were designed to do, and by doing, acting, living in alignment, your reality transforms around.
…
12:30
I forgot to share but I had a realisation this morning in the shower… For ages after the breakup I would wake up and instantly be in hell. My thoughts were terrifying because I was overcome with grief and just hurt feelings basically.
“The default mode network (DMN) is a set of brain regions that becomes active when you’re not focused on the outside world. It’s most engaged during daydreaming, self-reflection, remembering the past, imagining the future, and thinking about yourself or others.”
This is very much the ego. The thinker. The narrative obsessed self. Source of the automatic thoughts. The ‘annoying inner roommate’ to use Michael Singer’s term…
Well, my default mode network was hell post breakup. If left on autopilot my thoughts would just consume me. So each morning throughout September and October especially, when I would wake up I would be totally focused on ‘escaping’ the default mode network. I started to think of my mornings as a prison break. I realised if I did meditation committedly enough in the morning, I would break out of this state of heartbreak and negative rumination and then have a good day with much more optimism. I noticed however that every morning my mind seemed to be reset and I was back into the automatic thoughts, so I felt each morning is about overcoming and transcending. This was a really good model and ended up allowing me to make a good bit of progress, as well as establishing SM Kriya as a habit which has proven invaluable… but lately, when I wake up, I’m not in hell. It has been that way for some time now. Maybe about a month. I don’t constantly wake up with total agonising feelings of heartbreak and so forth. In one way this is nice, that my autopilot is more pleasant to live in! That’s what we want, we want to reprogramme the subconscious, but, we also just don’t want to have to be subject to the autopilot of the subconscious. So I need to keep realising that I need to do the prison break daily! This inner roommate, the ego, the autopilot, it is the enemy. It dulls our consciousness. It disconnects from spirit and left on autopilot it always leads us downward. It is unconsciousness.
So, how do I stay as vigilant and as eager to live free from the default mode network when it’s not absolute hell to live inside of? When you don’t have a hell to run from, maybe a heaven to run to? Yes. Devotion.
22:06
I fell from grace slightly. I went to nap, which felt good, I really like that I’m getting better at doing that around 1 when my energy dips. I lay down for over an hour but couldnt nap properly because there was that kundalini like electricity buzzing through my body. It felt quite nice so I figured it was a sort of rest, although not quite, as I sort of felt like I was on LSD. Then I went downstairs and enjoyed talking to Kos. Sadly his favourite youtuber and his family all died in a plane crash. Tragic. After that I walked to soccer pitch and realised I felt like I was tripping. My clothes looked and felt as if I was on LSD. I noted my body feeling slightly tired, realising the failed naptime didn’t rejuvenate me properly. On the walk home I ran into a neighbour and she kept me for close to an hour probably. This frazzled my already tired brain further. I got home and was hungry and stupidly cooked while overtired and overstimulated. I then ate the food watching survivor, further stimulating me, and caused me to not really enjoy my food or the show. Then after that I felt scattered and unsurprisingly felt indigestion. From this experience I will try to learn to never eat while in a scattered state, to always recharge first even if hungry, and I think going forward I will try eat my big main meal much earlier. Eating when already awake for quite a while seems sub-optimal. Monks often have their last meal around midday.