13:05
Wow… I’ll start with last night.
I got into bed and felt quite good. Quite aligned. I then had these interesting visions/insights. I seen Hanuman the Hindu monkey God of service, the servant of Ram. I seen Spiderman and Batman and Christ too. The theme of the vision was heroism. I had these flashbacks to watching the Spiderman movies when I was a young kid. I had flashbacks to watching superhero movies in the cinema as a teenager. I understood on a deep level what the energy of the hero is. I understood on a deep level what self-sacrifice and goodness is. I understood on a deep level what responsibility is. I understood why I was resisting and fearing healing through this work. I fear responsibility. I fear the role I have to play. I fear the significance of it. I fear the stakes. If I heal myself using this work, work that anyone can do, what will naturally follow will be helping guide others in this direction. That isn’t my egoic preference as a life path. I would rather use the heightened consciousness/focus/ability to manifest in order to create a life where I’m creating art… on my own. I resist the company of others. I love others, and I see clearly the right path is to help others. I see what my higher self will do when I surrender the wheel… but there is this part of me that would prefer to satisfy my need to be of service doing something that I can do alone behind closed doors. I must keep surrendering my resistances and my egoic preferences. Selfless action in service of goodness is the way of liberation. I must meditate more on Hanuman and what he symbolises.
As I had this insight into heroes, purpose, destiny, and responsibility, I felt more deeply anchored within myself. There was a feeling of relief by facing the truth. There was a badass feeling too. Like the intensity and majesty of divinity was alive within me once I had aligned with the truth of service. I realised I kept going into meditation, accumulating a bit of that magic, that power, and trying to then steal it and keep it for myself. Hanuman has a constant direct link to that power. Spiderman became of service when he got powers, because as his uncle said – ‘with great power comes great responsibility’, but last night I realised it’s the other way around. ‘With great responsibility comes great power’. Once you take on responsibility and agree to be a servant of Ram, a warrior of God, you get power, you get access.
I felt this power running through me. When aligned with truth, love, and service, it feels like you have the electric currents of God flowing through you. It feels golden. It feels perfect. Give up all you have and gain more than you knew you could ever hold.
Then I fell asleep…
When I woke up, it was almost 10am. I slept for a long time. When I woke I decided to tune into love. I ended up doing the Joe Dispenza Tuning Into New Potentials meditation but not guided, just in my head, meaning I paid attention to my hand, then the space around my hand, my head, and then the space around my head. Moving from convergent to divergent focus. I then felt like the space around my body, and then decided to go into the abundant void, repeating the words ‘no one, no body, nowhere, in no time’. Floating in this place felt like, and then felt very nice! I felt light fill me up. I felt this abundant vitality flowing through me. I gave thanks for my health and healing. I can’t recall how long this went on for, and I dont recall the whole experience, but I remember feeling really good, I remember going to the bathroom halfway through and seeing my eyes were all sparkly. I felt a sense of health and vitality throughout my body. I felt my cells lit up with light.
After this I had a shower. In the shower I stopped half way and tuned into that spaciousness again and mentally said ‘I am the source of all’. With this comment the tiny hint of desire that had arisen and mind activity dissolved and I felt complete wholeness and oneness again. After I got out of the shower I looked at myself in the mirror for quite some time smiling. Tuning deeper into that feeling of being loving awareness, of feeling loving kindness for myself and all beings.
I then did Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya which felt very nice. Especially the aum part. I felt deeply rooted in my being… Besides the 20min shower, in which I sort of meditated also, I was meditating constantly from 10am until 1pm. It was super blissful and heavenly.
19:29
I just went on a walk and the stars were super clear. The emotions that arise when looking at them are strange. There’s one in particular that I can’t quite figure out. It’s a sort of longing that arises with the feeling of awe. It’s a kind of frustration. Kind of like you’re seeing outside of Plato’s cave and you temporarily remember every other time you’ve seen outside the cave, but you know you’re going to go back inside and forget, and that’s frustrating because inside the cave life is much more limited and two-dimensional. It’s less awe-inducing. Less fulfilling. Less moving. Less real… but you always end up back there. Looking at the stars you temporarily see true reality. The infinitely-abundant, spacious and wonderful essence of reality. In seeing it, you see yourself. The longing is a feeling to have this forever. To capture the starry night in a bottle, like fireflies, only that would ruin the beauty of it. We don’t want to capture the beauty of reality in a bottle, we want to free the beauty of life that has already been captured in a bottle, which is us. We are the night sky trapped in a tiny container, wanting to be released. I understand enlightenment as being continually in that state of expansion. Spaciousness, fee from solidity and contractions. Presence, free of resistances and mind chatter. Flowing energy, free from blockages. We hallucinate ourselves into a simplified cartoon version of reality, lacking in the beauty of the ultimate, because we fear the endlessness of unfiltered reality, so we live in our hallucination of symbols and abstractions. This way of living is fake. Hollow. Plastic. Unsatisfying. To live without boundaries and attachments is bliss. We all have fleeting moments of this, but the many masters of the east, and Christ, have promised that attaining permanent residence here is possible. I believe them.