20:02
Gawd damn. What a fackin day. Got punched in the side of the head. Blood in ear. Not zen.
had a lovely phone call with C though. I like that guy.
life is cool. Lots of good people in it. Lots of reasons to be fully alive and engaged with life.
one thing I’m grappling with lately though is power. Like unconditional love seems lovely… But people are very conditional with love. You give them what they want and they love you. It doesn’t feel like real love. Survival of the fittest philosophy does seem to have a good deal of truth. There are people I’ve had so much love for and I think I’d just love them inherently and stay with them because of that love. I don’t think I’d abandon people based on that stuff… But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I would? Idk. It’s strange. So many people pick their partners and their friends based on their status. Based on their power. If they increase their own power and status, they will swap their old friends for ones with more power.
people have desires. Goals. People wanna get to certain places. I guess it makes sense that people choose who they are teamed up with based on who is most likely to help them get there. We’re like businesses trying to thrive as much as possible. And I guess that’s what life is. A bunch of things just trying to thrive as much as possible. Trying to go as far as possible. Trying to be the best they can be.
we surround ourselves with those we resonate with. Those who like the same things. Because those that like the same things are trying to go to the same destinations. So it makes sense to pair up.
We are all cars going somewhere. It helps to drive together. Can help each other out. The powerful a car, the more other cars wanna be around that person, cause they are of more help to them.
this aspect of life and relationships trouble me. It makes it seem so… Fake. The love of a mother to child is beautiful. It’s just pure love. But this is the third dimension. Survival. Competition. Love of friends needs to take on this other dimension. I find that creepy. I just wanna love people to love people. But it’s like a video game…
If I stay struggling with chronic illness. I will have friends. There are cool people out there who love and respect me regardless. Blessed in that regard. Shout out J, B, and other J especially. But if I healed my health conditioned, and had success moving towards my desired goals, other people I love would make more time for me. They would want a stronger connection to me. Because I’d be more fun to have around, and because success would increase my status and therefore they’d respect more, and since we have shared goals, partnering w me would be beneficial for their goals. That’s strange. But it is what is man. It’s still love. It’s just they have strong desires, time is limited, they want certain things, so they will make more time for things that get them there. Hmm…..
is that real love. Real friendship. I’m not sure. Probably. The third dimension is just weird. I think that’s why there is something so powerful about Jesus. He had this motherly love for all beings. He didn’t want anything, other than for all beings to be well.
My friend, we’ll call him Y, he has insecurities and hang ups and all sorts of weird issues from childhood. He doesn’t love himself entirely. He’s critical of himself and therefore needs to achieve x y and z to feel complete. Because he’s in this mind state, he compares himself to others. He judges. He values status and achievement. This is all ego and fear and third dimension stuff.
you should succeed and be abundant and prolific as an expression of wholeness. Creativity doesn’t have to arise from misery. Yeah, Elliot smith. And Kurt cobain. Tortured souls make cool stuff. But there are many who are mentally well that make amazing stuff too. Hozier seems chill. Legend artist.
idk I’m ranting at this point